By Deborah McCurdy

More and more adoptive parents of foreign-born children see the wisdom of traveling abroad to pick up their new sons and daughters, even when escorts are available.

There are great advantages to getting to know your child gradually through pre-placement visits, when permitted, lessening the possibility that he or she will feel kidnapped by strangers, as well as personally arranging a thorough medical evaluation with any appropriate laboratory. It can also be exciting, as well as helpful to the family i n later years, to discover your child's country and culture in this way.

As a social worker with a Colombian son, I've been on both sides of the desk. I don't profess any expertise on the subject of culture shock, beyond what our agency's adoptive families and our own adoption trip have taught me, but joint experience has been a valuable teacher, so I'm writing as an adoptive mother who is in frequent touch with other adoptive parents.

If your stay abroad is brief and goes well, you may not experience any significant emotional upheaval; you may have a wonderful time. Many, though, feel overwhelmed at some point by a combination of culture shock and adoption-related stresses. The following suggestions can help you prepare for some of the stressful moments that may arise. Preparation - along with knowing what to expect - is the way to cope.

Prepare for your trip by learning a little of the language (perhaps with tapes) and by reading at least one comprehensive book on international adoption. I highly recommend Erischsen's How to Adopt Internationally. An over view and step-by-step explanation of international adoption can alleviate much of the anxiety most parents experience. Also, be sure to read something on the customs and ettiquettes on the child's country, so that you may be ideal ambassadors for other North American adoptive parents (My thanks to Jean and Heino Erichsen for this suggestion.) The future of international adoption depends largely on the courtesy and respect shown by adoptive parents facing unfamiliar conditions or frustrations.

Talk to experienced adoptive parents who have recently returned from your child's country. Your agency or an adoptive parents' group such as LAPA, ODS, or AFA can probably direct you to families who have expressed a willingness to help. Record their suggestions in an indexed notebook. One woman we spoke with gave us a diary of her trip that showed the sequence of steps, this was invaluable despite the minor changes we encountered. The more we learned from other adoptive parents, the better we felt about our impending trip into the unknown.

Avoid worry about money or documents by planning ahead to avert a crisis. Take along twice as much as you think you'll need in travelers' checks, carried in a separate place from your international credit card. Hand-carry an extra set of documents, either signed by the consul of your child's country (sometimes without additional charge) when your original documents are authenticated, or photocopied from your authenticated documents - whichever is recommended for that country in the event your original authenticated papers are lost. Also, take along extra Co copies of any papers you've received from the Immigration and Naturalization Service or your state government the latter may not apply in your case. Don't put anything essential in your checked luggage! You may not need the extra money or documents, but having them with you will enable you to sleep better at night.

Prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility of finding previously undiagnosed medical problems in your child when you arrive in his country. We discovered that our little Mark had thrush, jaundice, and bilateral clubroom (later corrected) that had been translated earlier a s "pigeon toes". Before you leave home, ask our pediatrician whether the medical information that you have received seems adequate, and what further laboratory tests may be indicated. While taking care not to offend the overseas agency (which may well have proved the best medical care that time and its budget allowed), you may be able to quietly arrange a complete medical evaluation before you bring your child home. This is essential and most urgent if your child keeps vomiting, has diarrhea, or refuses to drink much, because the resulting dehydration can threaten his life.

Be prepared for distress, anxiety, or anger in your child or in yourselves in response to change, the unknown, frustration, and a sense of loss of control over events, as well as grief in the child's case. The only security the child has ever known may lie in the people and place that he is now leaving. You know that they were never meant to be permanent, but it may not be possible yet to make your child understand that only you can be his "forever" parents. His fear and sadness may be manifested directly or in withdrawal, clinging, eating or sleeping disturbances, tantrums, or some other troubling form of behavior. It doesn't mean he's always like this! The overseas agency staff can help provide you with some perspective, if needed. Your child may surprise you and adjust with apparent ease, showing affection and good behavior from start.

As to your own anxiety, anger, or distress, remind yourselves that they are entirely normal reactions to the kinds of stresses you may be facing. These are similar to those your little one is struggling with. You are cut off from all that was familiar and predictable in your life. Something vitally important to you - this adoption this child - is still in the hands of other people and largely out of your control for the time being. If you have been experiencing the similar feeling of lack of control over your destiny that goes with infertility even minor frustrations in the adoption process may overwhelm you. In addition you may be coping with unhappiness and insecurity, however temporary, in your new son in your new daughter. Even if you have learned a little of the language, there may well be times when you feel unable to communicate with your child and most of his countrymen. Finally, you may be upset by the extreme poverty around you and the sight of homeless street children.

There may be unexpected complications and delays in your child's paperwork. Following our arrival in Bogota we learned that our adoption would be slowed down by the closing of the courts and offices for all of Holy Week. When they re-opened, I found I had to fly our new son to the city of his birth because his footprint was missing from his original birth certificate. After my husband had to fly home, I spent a full day waiting for a visa at the U.S. Embassy with our sick baby and our active 3-year-old wondering how I would ever manage the return trip without adult assistance.

Remain courteous and patient (outwardly at least) when frustrations mount. Tears, worry and anger are all natural reactions to culture shock and stresses such as those just described. Tears or tact anxiety often produce sympathy and assistance, but giving vent to anger or impatience will complicate the situation by antagonizing those whose assistance you require. (It may also hurt future adoptions.) At a time like this, you are fortunate if you have a spouse or friend along who is not feeling quite so beleaguered at the moment and can do the talking for you. Try to retain perspective by reminding your-self that your child is finally in your arms, and that it is just a matter of time before the paper work is completed. However tangled the red tape, it can generally be unraveled before long.

Don't be surprised at your initial feelings for the child - nor his for you. In your respective states of emotional or physical exhaustion, you may not feel immediate affection and tenderness toward each other. Reality tends to fall short of expectations, particularly when you have eagerly awaited some big event for a long time. Good parents may not feel much of anything toward their child until they have had the opportunity to get to know and love him in a stress-free setting. If you find, however, that your feelings toward your new child are negative as opposed to merely neutral, and you believe that they go beyond the occasional negative reactions that we all have at times to any close family member, be sure to discuss this with your social worker right away. She's there to help you find solutions to your problems.

If your child shows sadness or fear, or withdraws from you, don't take it personally. It may very well reflect a normal, time-limited period of adjustment and mourning, or it may indicate a more long-standing problem that will take longer to overcome. In either case, it doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong! Remember, you didn't cause your child's unhappiness; on the contrary, you were chosen as the ones who could offer him permanence and an end to grief and insecurity.

Take your toddler or preschooler with you on your trip and your daily round of appointments. This was probably the wisest decision we ever made. We knew that our 3-year-old would have been deeply distressed by a separation from her parents at the time of her brother's adoption, and we suspected it might also hurt their long-term relationship. We didn't want to risk it. We brought toys and familiar snacks from home and we prepared her for each new experience by talking about it or playing It out in advance. Like the children in wartime London, she did very well under stress because of being with her parents. We stayed at the Hotel Comendador, a budget hotel located at Carrera 18, #38-41, in a quiet residential area of downtown Bogota. It looked out on a pretty park and playground, and with other children to join her on the swings and slide, our daughter seemed not to miss home much at all. The major stress on Heather was that she harbored a fear (perhaps unconscious at the time) that we as her birthparents might give her up for adoption, as Mark's first parents had done with him. Had we anticipated this fear, as we now advise parents to do, we could have reassured her and relieved her anxiety before the trip The most effective reassurance that we provided, however, was taking her with us to Colombia. We realized later, when the fear finally came to light, how disastrous it would have been if we had left her behind at the time she was struggling alone with her fear, without our knowledge.

Take precautions against physical discomforts and illness. Foreign bacteria don't always co-exist peacefully with our own. Before you go, ask your doctor for remedies for nausea and diarrhea, just in case; fill the prescriptions before you leave home. Follow the excellent health care suggestions in the Erichsen book concerning what to eat and drink, and what to avoid. This will also help with your child's physical well-being. Staying healthy will help you cope.

Enjoy yourselves. Do as much sight seeing and museum-going as you feel inclined to do. Take along good books (most especially your Berlitz Spanish for Travelers or its equivalent) for your long waits and much needed rest periods. A beginning knowledge of the country's language -including eighty or more essential words - is probably the single most important factor in minimizing culture shock and helping you enjoy your trip and your child. Seek out positive, optimistic people to spend your time with, as chronic complainers may color your outlook. It is usually easy to make friends of various nationalities at budget hotels and guest houses. Despite our problems and anxiety nearly all of our time in Colombia was exciting and fun.

Once you've prepared, try to relax and have faith that everything will work out. Again, some anxiety and stress are normal when we are in unfamiliar surroundings and unpredictable situations. A mild case of culture shock or adoption-related stress can even be helpful in deepening our understanding of the major longterm adjustment required of the child who is changing his home, his parents, his language, his food, and sometimes even his name (which is best done gradually, if at all). For an excellent discussion of this subject, with much practical advice, see "Adjustment by the Child".

It is reassuring to know that intercountry adoption has come a long way since we arranged our own adoption in 1975. For one thing, visa procedures are usually much simpler and quicker now. You may encounter difficulties, but probably not as many as we did, especially if you use an agency or attorney with experience in intercountry adoption, and if you consult other adopters.

Approach your adoption with the confident expectation that every problem you may encounter has a solution. In your child's country you'll meet kind and helpful people (many of them bilingual) to explain procedures and cut red tape. You need only let them know that you want their assistance.

The greatest satisfaction of your trip can be in reminding yourselves that your long-awaited child is finally with you, that the seemingly endless paper work will end, and that you will be home together when it does. Focus your thoughts on the future, and the present circumstances will seem more manageable - and probably even exciting and enjoyable.

[This article may be reprinted, preferably in its entirety, without special permission.]